I leave for Washington DC in just a few hours to visit with my dad. When I was a kid he worked for a mysterious government agency that has now been featured in many television shows and novels about the Cold War. But when I was a kid he was a one of those Cold War warriors who traveled for weeks at a time returning from abroad with exotic candies, dolls for me and swords for my brother. On a day to day basis we either lived overseas or in the Virginia countryside while my dad commuted to DC or Langley.
If I asked my dad what he did that day he would give me a vague answer, or if he was feeling humorous he would tell me one of his Cold War jokes, that he had "pushed back the Communist tide or made the world safe for democracy".
My dad is now retired, but still working for friends of friends, still keeping the world safe, although the Communists he will tell you are the good kind of enemies, easy to keep track of, followers of the rules, honorable in their own way.
It is a new era in the business of watching our enemies. It doesn't help that my dad forgets things. At 65 he has begun to have trouble with day to day stuff, like getting from point a to point b and remembering to get his ATM card from the cash machine after the withdrawal. Taken alone, it doesn't seem like much, and it actually isn't, but I have watched these changes for the last 5 years.
I have tried talking to my dad, he blows me off, and cites his ability to remember cyphers from 40 years ago. It breaks my heart that he cannot remember a conversation from yesterday. So far, he seems to still be functioning. He has bought the house next door to use for when he retires again, I anticipate that if we are successful with our IVF I will be raising a baby and taking care of my dad at the same time which is fine. I am trained as a nurse and have been anticipating this for a while. My dad is very young and in very good physical health, he use to say that we were all going to grow old together, meaning me, my mom and him. Unfortunately my mom died in 2006 so he is the only parent I have left.
I do worry about what will happen when I am no longer able to take care of him at home. I guess we will have to talk about that. For now we have not told our family about our plans for IVF. We have discussed it with the kids, but no one else. My dad will only think in terms of how it will affect him, unfortunately being a defender of democracy has never meant he wasn't egocentric.
Of course, all of this is moot, for now, as we are not there yet, so no counting chickens etc.
This week will be spent working in my dad's yard, attending my nephew's high school graduation, my niece's college graduation and a family reunion. I will have to come home to recover.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
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2 comments:
I'm so sorry things are so tough with your Dad. But I'm really hoping the IVF will work out for you.
With love,
Alice
I've come over from Antigone's blog.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry about your Dad. My FIL forgets a lot too. He is 66 and was recently diagnosed with early alzheimers. He'll open the mail, read it all then a few moments later declare that he's never seen it before. But he can tell you anything from his childhood, or even a few years ago. It is so frustrating.
You said in your latest post that you save drafts rather than publishing them. I do the same. I feel my words aren't good enough, aren't entertaining enough, aren't sad/happy enough...just aren't enough. So I post about everyday stuff rather than what I truly feel and need to let out.
I understand your position, but just writing it helps. SO even if you never publish those thoughts, at least you are releasing them. Maybe one day you'll hit that button and you won't feel so vulnerable. I wish this for you.
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