Afraid of Blogging

I am afraid of blogging. I have written a post almost every day, but when it comes time to hit the publish button I instead save it to draft. I am not sure why. The topics range from my desire to have a child to my recent visit with my dad. The topics are diverse, the grammar usually poor, the spelling checked and rechecked, but one thing remains constant, each post is very revealing.
In real life I seem to be an extroverted person who leaves no thought unexpressed, but in truth I am intensely private, someone who is comfortable alone. My home is not open to those who stop by uninvited, something unheard of in the friendly South. We don't entertain, instead we spend our time at home alone. But my posts are full of my thoughts, like this one. They say way too much about me. And I feel vulnerable and exposed, even in cyberspace, with a readership of two, or three.
I started blogging so that I could document our journey as we try to have a child but instead it feels as if every word I write exposes some deep and needy part of me that is better left hidden. It is strange, Helen of Everyday Stranger, a blog that I love and read religiously sent me a lovely email about writing about her twins and how she didn't want that to be painful for me. Interestingly enough, that has never been painful for me. I always thought that it was because I have had children, so I didn't feel entitled to the angst of those women who have never had a child. It is recently that have allowed myself to dream again, to see a baby and turn to my husband and say, "I want one of those".
Please forgive the misspelled words, any grammar errors, etc., because if I don't publish now, this will join all the other drafts.

Off To See The Wizard

I leave for Washington DC in just a few hours to visit with my dad. When I was a kid he worked for a mysterious government agency that has now been featured in many television shows and novels about the Cold War. But when I was a kid he was a one of those Cold War warriors who traveled for weeks at a time returning from abroad with exotic candies, dolls for me and swords for my brother. On a day to day basis we either lived overseas or in the Virginia countryside while my dad commuted to DC or Langley.
If I asked my dad what he did that day he would give me a vague answer, or if he was feeling humorous he would tell me one of his Cold War jokes, that he had "pushed back the Communist tide or made the world safe for democracy".
My dad is now retired, but still working for friends of friends, still keeping the world safe, although the Communists he will tell you are the good kind of enemies, easy to keep track of, followers of the rules, honorable in their own way.
It is a new era in the business of watching our enemies. It doesn't help that my dad forgets things. At 65 he has begun to have trouble with day to day stuff, like getting from point a to point b and remembering to get his ATM card from the cash machine after the withdrawal. Taken alone, it doesn't seem like much, and it actually isn't, but I have watched these changes for the last 5 years.
I have tried talking to my dad, he blows me off, and cites his ability to remember cyphers from 40 years ago. It breaks my heart that he cannot remember a conversation from yesterday. So far, he seems to still be functioning. He has bought the house next door to use for when he retires again, I anticipate that if we are successful with our IVF I will be raising a baby and taking care of my dad at the same time which is fine. I am trained as a nurse and have been anticipating this for a while. My dad is very young and in very good physical health, he use to say that we were all going to grow old together, meaning me, my mom and him. Unfortunately my mom died in 2006 so he is the only parent I have left.
I do worry about what will happen when I am no longer able to take care of him at home. I guess we will have to talk about that. For now we have not told our family about our plans for IVF. We have discussed it with the kids, but no one else. My dad will only think in terms of how it will affect him, unfortunately being a defender of democracy has never meant he wasn't egocentric.
Of course, all of this is moot, for now, as we are not there yet, so no counting chickens etc.
This week will be spent working in my dad's yard, attending my nephew's high school graduation, my niece's college graduation and a family reunion. I will have to come home to recover.

Progress

I saw my internist today for a rash that I developed on Friday. At first I figured it was related to something I had gotten into while cleaning out the master bedroom closet. All of a sudden my chest started to hurt, my throat got tight and my arms were covered with a bright red rash. Being a nurse, and at times a professional patient, I told my husband that I needed to get out of the room. He helped me out, opened the windows and turned on the fan, while I medicated, showered and changed my clothes.
For the next three days that rash came and went, requiring antihistamines very four hours to keep it somewhat at bay. But that didn't keep me from working on the bedroom. Even though I try to be a cynic regarding our IVF prospects, I find myself getting ready. We need to repaint and revamp the master bedroom, so that has been my priority this weekend. We put up a new ceiling fan. Cleaned out the room, which used to belong to my girls, so it needed to be packed up and their stuff stored.
One is a senior in college, currently in Denmark on a summer college course. Young, she has studied every semester and will go on to graduate school this year.
Our other daughter is about to be married and has left behind half of her extensive anime collection. It overwhelms both of us, so my packing consists of such exciting box titles as "stuffed animals with tags", "anime action figures","graphic novels", etc.
While I clean and organize I visualize where the bed will fit and if there will be room for the cosleeper. The dresser is just the right height to double as a changing table, at least for nighttime use. The room is very bright, so I will have to get some room darkening curtains, I think to myself. This line of thought is very dangerous and I force myself to stop.
Today when I took my morning meds, my rash flared and I found it difficult to breath. The light finally went on and I realized that I had developed a new drug allergy. All can cause birth defects and all are on my list to change. So after an extra dose of benadryl, I finally saw the doctor who discontinued all three!
So now I will take a baby aspirin a day, which will work very well, will just use the glucophage only ,which I believe has been responsible for my now 53 pound weight loss,and try Norvasc to protect my blood vessels. Not sure how the Norvasc will work out but my goal is to get as many meds off my med list as possible and to get body and my house as ready as possible.
At the doctor's office today there was a patient with a two month old baby. My longing has been so buried that it has only been within the past six months that I have been able to look at my husband and say "I want one of those".
So progress on many fronts: progress at home, progress in my health and progress in my ability to say what is in my hearts greatest desire.
I am not sure if it will get me anywhere but it feels like progress to at least be trying.